I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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