I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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