We won't sleep together?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
