it was like his penis was on wheels.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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