hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
