fuck your aforementioned shoe
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
