I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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