Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize