I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
