I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
