Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
