so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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