I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
