nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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