It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
