So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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