Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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