Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
