the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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