Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
