Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
