saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize