im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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