i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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