last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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