I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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