Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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