The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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