apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
