I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
