Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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