The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
