i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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