anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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