Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
