Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
