I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize