I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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