Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
