i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
