No stitches, just platelets and will power
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
