Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
