i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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