I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you never un-have a 4some
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
