Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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