Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
