But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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