Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
