DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
