if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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