Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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