just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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