Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
