I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
