she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
