I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
