Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
