i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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