Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
