I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
