watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
