i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
