Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize